Watch Me!

A Better Motivation for Ministry Work

“First Steps” by Jean-Francois Millet (1859-66) at the Cleveland Museum of Art

This last week I took my 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son to the Green Acres park before taking a nice long trek to Taco Bell or what my kids have recently dubbed, “Cheesy Bells”. They love outdoor adventures and anytime spent with mom and dad is a total win for them. At the massive jungle gym that towers higher than I’m comfortable with, my two kiddos swung on the bars, conquered the rock climbing wall, jumped up and down the platforms, and raced down the two slides opposite each other.

They asked more times than I can count.

You know the question.

It is built into every toddler.

“Daddy, watch me!” “Daddy, look at this!”

My daughter is insistent that I need to witness, from beginning to end, her entire trampoline routine complete with her spin, bounce, and clap combos. If my gaze turns away for just a second, she clamors to get it back.

She does not want me to miss anything she does.

I love this even if the fifty ninth demand for my attention is overstimulating. On my end, I’m learning to stop being so distracted because this is a stage that will not last forever

But for now, they long for their mom and dad’s attention and ours alone.

As a father, I’m learning to value and cherish these innocent moments where all that matters to my young kids is the gaze of their father. They want to see my look of admiration at all the little things they attempt for fun.

Seeing their innocent desire convicts me though.

I’m not quite sure I have the same innocence when it comes to serving God.

I attempt many great things for God and I tell him it’s for him, but my eyes are on the periphery. I’m less interested in his gaze than I let on. I’m really glancing to the side to see who else notices what I am doing.

“But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

(Matthew 6:6, ESV)

When it comes to doing things for God, the tragedy is that we need Jesus to correct our motives. As Jesus states in the Sermon on the Mount, the Pharisees were praying, fasting, and giving to receive the wrong attention. They could care less about whether God saw them or not. They wanted others to see their good works.

Our hearts are not naturally inclined to desire God’s gaze. We may perform for God but always with a glance or two reserved for what other’s might see of our ‘noble’ and ‘good’ works.

My kids’ innocent desire for my attention convicts me once again that my desire for God must be child-like and innocent. Too often my desire to serve God is riddled with ulterior, mercenary motives.

Yet, there is a certain freedom in desiring God’s attention over everyone else’s. My kids trust that when I see them do something exciting and cool on the gym set, that daddy will be supportive and affectionate. There is a safety and security in striving for daddy’s affection alone.

I’m all too aware though that this desire will eventually shift to their peers and the broader world around them. The older they get, the more they will look for approval in places less forgiving and loving, less truthful and more deceptive.

That is where the danger lurks.

Likewise, we strive for the attention of others’ less capable of desiring our best. We end up burned out and bitter when our affection for the world is less willing to give it back. Perhaps we were striving for others to look at our great ministry feats all while neglecting the perfect gaze of God our father.

In these moments of disillusionment and loneliness, we realize the tragedy of our neglect of God. We feel conviction and sadness because God’s attention was pure and unconditional unlike the world’s. He alone was worthy of our attention because of His pure, genuine character. How could we have neglected the gaze of a loving Father who knows best and is the best?

My ministry work likewise needs to be fueled by that innocent desire for God’s attention and his attention alone.

This verse in Matthew has everything to do with the discipline of obscurity, practicing righteousness in secret in order to avoid the idolatry of others’ affections. But obscurity is not so much about hiding what we do for God. It is more about being blind to what other’s might notice or not notice about our good works. All we care about is that God the Father sees what we might attempt for him. And these attempts are done in a spirit of joy and delight in who God is.

A mark of spiritual maturity is an increasing lack of self-awareness and a decrease in self-absorption.

No, you cannot just will this sort of desire into existence. You cannot engineer this affection for God otherwise it’s no longer true affection. It requires the Holy Spirit to open our eyes up to taste and see the goodness of God. This lingering gaze on God’s glory and beauty will inspire natural affection. In this beholding of God’s goodness, the natural response of a renewed heart is desire and excitement - a clamor for His attention alone. The very fact that God sees me is eclipsed by any awareness that man is also looking at me. At the end of the day, God’s judgement and evaluation of me is what matters.

“But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me.”

1 Corinthians 4:3-5 (ESV)

Good works are fueled by a desire for God’s approval, not man’s. God’s opinion of me ultimately matters because my salvation is based on his opinion, not others’. But neither is the solution valuing my opinion over others’. The solution is valuing God’s opinion over all others, including my own.

This is Paul’s point in this passage where his ministry work is scrutinized by public eyes. Without Paul’s singular desire for God’s gaze, he would have been swept up in all manner of idolatry and power struggles. He may be imperfect and far from sinless, but he kept on track because God’s gaze mattered most to him.

I look at my kids with a deep affection and love. They may attempt their gymnastic feats with weakness and stumbling, but I love them. They will learn in time. But the sad part is that the more skilled and able they become and the older they get, they will be less interested my attention than others.

I face that temptation too. The more experienced and skilled I become in ministry, the more I’m tempted to pine for others’ attention and not God’s. The more public my ministry becomes, the more I salivate for others’ attentions.

But there has to be a better way. How can I cultivate that innocent desire for God’s attention alone?

I believe it’s remembering that no one can look on you with the same unconditional love and objectivity like God can. He can see you for all your flaws and imperfections and mistakes and still love you. He can correct you with a precision and accuracy unlike anyone else. He alone can judge you far more fairly and truthfully than anyone else and do it out of a true, unbreakable affection - with a desire for your best because He is the best.

This next week, before you start doing any sort of ministry or spiritual discipline, just ask that God look upon you. Ask him for his attention and spurn all others.

I’m praying for that innocent-like desire. I’m praying my heart becomes more child-like. I want to be free. I want God to look at me and that alone will be enough for me.

God, watch me!